Anderson Cooper: “I’m So Dysfunctional…Look At Me!”

29 Jun 2006

In an interview with Anderson Cooper on 12 October 2005, Oprah Winfrey referred to Cooper as a “star reporter” of CNN. Shooting Oprah a prepubescent grin, Cooper demurely held his thumb and forefinger a quarter inch apart and mumbled “small….” Evinced by Anderson’s verbal ejaculations on his show Anderson Cooper 360, we can be sure Cooper wasn’t referring to his ego. For example, in May 2005 the show treated viewers to Anderson’s navel-gazing in this banter with CNN’s Erica Hill:

COOPER: Joining me right now from HEADLINE NEWS is Erica Hill. Hey, Erica.

ERICA HILL, CNN HEADLINE NEWS ANCHOR: Nice to see you in person.

COOPER: I know, it’s — I think it’s first we’ve actually really met.

HILL: I think it really is.

COOPER: I’m all aquiver.

HILL: Well, you know, I was getting excited myself. My mom may have been even more excited, yes.

COOPER: Well, that’s…

HILL: She’s a big Anderson fan, so — but I’ll get to your headlines. We’ll deal with pleasantries later.

COOPER: We call them Ander-fans, by the way.

HILL: Ander-fans. I’ll pass that on. Meantime, for all your news-fans out there….

Thanks so much for the new word, Anderson.

Six days after Oprah’s encomium, Anderson showed up on The Late Show with David Letterman for a little chin-wag. The conversation turned to Cooper’s mother, professional sexual profligate Gloria Vanderbilt. Anderson admitted that he always knew his mother “had a past”—not to mention a colorful present—and his suspicions were confirmed when Gloria “forced” her son to vet the manuscript of her latest book. This book, published by Simon & Schuster as It Seemed Important at the Time: A Romance Memoir, regales its readers with stunning revelations about activities involving Mother Vanderbilt’s clitoris. Thankfully, Sexual Revelation Compulsion Disorder does not appear to be genetic. Outside of writing “essays” involving premature ejaculation, Anderson doesn’t publicly discuss his sexual activities. At least not until CNN goes out of business. But if I were to wander around the CNN studios and recover Cooper’s lost cell phone, I wouldn’t be surprised to find the number of a Simon & Schuster acquisition editor programmed into it, ready for when that day comes.

Anderson’s cell phone would also have an interesting list of friends. In a recent CNN story about crystal meth, Anderson ejaculated:

…in New York City, I mean, I have a number of friends actually who have started using [crystal meth] and their lives have been complete [sic] destroyed. Two people in particular who have held jobs, and a lot of people who started, have jobs, and it makes them feel more efficient at work, but it very quickly — in these two people’s case, I mean, I’ve lost contact with them. Their lives are destroyed. They’ve like lost their jobs, their apartments, everything.

Well, if Anderson’s remaining friends are cognizant, they must be happy to have him back in Manhattan so soon. Didn’t a lachrymose Cooper tell Jonathan Van Meter of New York magazine that he “[couldn’t] imagine leaving” New Orleans? Anderson even threw in a couple of lines about his dead father, just in case he wasn’t being dramatic enough. From the way Cooper was talking—that is, when he wasn’t crying—one could assume he had called his New York real estate agent, sold his Manhattan condo and found a flat in the French Quarter. Anderson would be doing his 360 show from Bourbon Street, decked out in a red cape with a giant “A” on his chest. (Although I’m sure a CNN exec insisted that the company logo be silk screened under the letter.)

One wonders what goes on in the minds of CNN executives, those responsible for making Anderson into the “star” Oprah speaks of. CNN’s current mission statement must read something like this:

Anderson’s mother is a trollop. Anderson’s friends are on crystal meth. Anderson likes to write stupid articles about premature ejaculation. Anderson loves to cry. Anderson doesn’t know which city he should be in. Let’s make Anderson a star!

No wonder Fox News has trounced these guys.