My brothers and sisters in Christ: I speak to you today with a heavy heart, full of sadness for the tragedy that has befallen New Orleans. As you know, my dear Christian brethren, I usually blame national catastrophes on the filthy Satan-worshipers who live among us: the adulterers, the Pagans, the feminists, the homosexuals…but in this case, I don’t believe it was the fault of Mary Cheney and her pants-wearing girlfriends. No, the true fault here—and it saddens me greatly to have to say this—the true fault rests on the shoulders of none other than President George W. Bush himself. [slight sniffle, pause, wipe nose]
While I applaud President Bush for evacuating the good, prosperous New Orleans Christians—and a handful of our Jewish friends we hope to one day convert to Christianity, I point my finger at the president for sending in the troops and forcing them to rescue those welfare-collecting sponges of New Orleans’ society. Where is that radical Right-winger we worked so hard to elect to a second term? What has become of his ability to communicate directly with God? Everyone knows that Karl Rove programmed God’s direct number into George Bush’s cellphone. [Look profoundly into camera; address Bush directly. Perhaps shake a finger.] Well, I have a bit of advice for you, Mr. President: Pay careful attention to how many bars your cellphone has before you call our Lord; the signal was obviously weak when the Two of you discussed Hurricane Katrina. Didn’t our Lord tell you that this time he was taking a page from the Old Testament? Have you, sir, been remiss in your study of Genesis? Do you not remember Noah’s Flood? Sodom? Gomorrah? Mr. President, our Lord was attempting, in one fell swoop, to eradicate some of the lowest elements of New Orleans’ society: those who vote for Democrats…the chronically unemployed…the women who flagrantly exhibit the sin of Eve and breed out of wedlock…and the reprobate Negro men who rape those women, beat them, and pimp them out, all while unable to speak three words of proper English. The only thing you needed to do, Mr. President, was extend your vacation for a week or two…just lay low…and allow God’s Will to be done. They would have starved to death. But no, like that Satan-worshiping adulterer Bill Clinton, you had to “rise to the occasion” and give Jimmy Carter tens of thousands—if not hundreds of thousands—of miscreants to build new houses for! When the Lord acts in an Old Testament manner, Mr. President, He doesn’t expect you to go New Testament on Him. If you didn’t feel like hanging out at the ranch with Laura for another two weeks, you could have telephoned me and I would have arranged a long prayer retreat for you at Liberty University: no telephone, no email, no faxes and no pesky Karl Rove urging you to “take action.” It saddens me to have to inform you, Mr. President, that the eternal lake of fire awaits you. Yes, President Bush, as it stands now, you’ll be down there burning with the likes of Jeffrey Dahmer and Marilyn Monroe—who we now know embraced the sin of lesbianism whenever she wasn’t bedding down with one of the Kennedy brothers. (At least Jack, Bobby, Marilyn and that Communist Arthur Miller have been reunited.)
But always remember that our Lord is a most benevolent Lord. On the evening of September 3rd, He provided you with an opportunity to redeem yourself, Mr. Bush. If you replace Supreme Court Justice William Rehnquist with that brilliant Conservative attorney Miss Ann Coulter, all will be forgiven and on your day of judgment, the trumpets of Heaven will welcome you to eternal Paradise.
The Lord works in strange and mysterious ways. God bless America.
In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, Dr. Jerry Falwell hired me to write a speech he will deliver next week. Dr. Falwell will speak from his office at Liberty University, and FOX News will televise it live during Hannity & Colmes. (Liberty University has invited CNN and MSNBC to pick up the broadcast, but as far as I know, they have not responded.) Because this is such an important speech, I’m asking you to take a look and provide any feedback you can. Thanks for any advice!